Barking at the Moon

Ok, so I’ve been on the Optifast full since Thursday – 7 days. And for the past three or four, I’ve been, to put it mildly, completely, utterly, insane.

I’ve been snapping, snarling, yelling, and flat out walking around growling. All at pretty much nothing.

And when I say growling…well, lets just say you don’t want to meet up with me right now.

After a horrible night last night, where along with all this, I was cramping and tired and working hard at school, I figured I ought to call the nutritionist and check if this is normal.

Unfortunately, she says it is. However, she also said I could eat some food if I want, as long as I follow the rest of the pre-surgical instructions (opti on Saturday, Opti and clear liquids (but no bars) Sunday, and nothing Monday.). So, I can have a bit of Turkey, or at the very least some soup or something. I get to put my teeth in something!

BTW, here’s a bit of knowledge I always forget and may be TMI: Sugar free mints, candy and gum? The ones that have sorbital? Yeah….they give you massive runs if you eat too many. They’re good if your constipated, but not so much any other time. I ate two packs of breath savers yesterday, and it wasn’t pretty. especially considering I haven’t eaten solid food since Thursday.

Yesterday AM, I weighed in at the doctor’s office at 248. Today, I weighed in at home at 241. So either the scale is broke, or I have the emptiest colon in the world.

So yeah, I’m feeling a little icky, but hopefully putting my teeth in some meat will make me feel better.

How much Jello can you get for $20?

Holy crap, by this time next week, I’ll be banded. I’m so excited, and nervous. I’ve never had any sort of surgery like this before. I was put under for a little while while they zapped my cervix, and I watched them remove a small growth from my wrist, but that ain’t much.

I’ll find out the exact procedure tomorrow, when I go in for clearance and testing (more doctors, ugh!). But from what I understand, they’re going to make several small incisions on my torso (and hopefully avoid my ink – I don’t want it to get marred if it doesn’t have to be) and they’ll be using cameras and such to do it all. I like this better than what they used to do. Having my abdomen pulled open sounds unpleasant.

However, the 2 week liquid diet I’ve been on is killing me. Since I’ve been on liquids, I have dropped another four pounds (since Thursday. THURSDAY!) but goddamn do I want to put my teeth in something. It doesn’t help that I’m on the rag right now – at least that will be done by the time surgery day rolls around.

Right now, I get four Optifast shakes, and 1 Opti bar a day (or five shakes, no bars…and sometimes 2 bars, 3 shakes. Whatever.) I can have broth, and jello.

I went 4 days on just shakes and broth. But I hate broth. So I laced up my boots and took a nice walk down to the supermarket….and bought enough jello to feed an army. 21.07 got me 2 big packets of cherry, 2 big packets of strawberry, 2 small limes, 2 small strawberry banana, 1 raspberry, 1 kiwi-strawberry and possibly 1 cranberry, I forget if I got it. I think I may have for Thanksgiving.

I also bought a six pack of pre-made peach jello cups, so that I could have them while I was cooking the others.

Who’d have thought I’d love jello this much? I looked like a total freak at the store, getting all this jello, lol. Even my family was laughing at me.
Anywho, tomorrow are the last two appointments I need before surgery…on Monday! Holy shit! Whoo!

250lbs!

Woot! 14 pounds total lost! Go me! I haven’t lost more than ten pounds in ages! OMG! OMG!

Also, I got the final pre-surgical test today – the psychiatric evaluation. I’m not crazy!

And best of all?

I HAVE MY SURGERY DATE!

December 1st, 2008. Of course, there is more stuff to do. Pre-surgical testing at the hospital. Clearance from my regular doctor. Starting tomorrow, I go on Optifast full liquid. Four shakes and 1 bar a day, plus all the jello and broth I want. Woot!

The Imaging Center, the Breath Test and a follow up

The second round of tests I had.  First up, was my day at the imaging center.

Oh god, was this a fun day. I spent three hours at the imaging center, having tests done a few week ago. The upside was that everything came back A-OK.

First up were sonograms, of my abdomin and my legs. Ick. I was covered with lube! (Which, somehow, is different than when it happens because of sex.)

Here’s the exam room:

The chick who did it was pretty funny. She was chatty and out there like me, and she had this great sign up in her examination room:

I can relate. Who can’t?

We yammered away during the whole procedure, so even though it took an hour, it was fun. And from what she saw, I had a functioning pancreas, gall bladder, kidneys, and veins. Go me!

I had to run off after that and get a set of chest x-rays for the pulmonologist. That was the easiest, quickest part of the day.

Then, there was the icky worst test ever.

The barium. Not a barium enema, which actually would have been preferable. This was a test where I had to drink this stuff:

Yeah, see that little bottle? I had to drink nearly all of that. I was told “Oh, its ok if you throw up. We have more!”.

Thanks. Very comforting.

And I did almost throw up. This shit was nasty. It tasted like cherry and strawberries, if fruit had asses and then shit out a chalky liquid.

I had to get up on this table here, and lay in weird positions while drinking this stuff so they could get x-rays of it going through my system

It was extremely unpleasant.  Then I got to stop drinking, while she got the doctor, so they could put my esophagus up on a television screen so he could watch while I continually drank that stuff. Yuck yuck yuck!

After it was all over, I was so glad I had the good sense to bring a banana and a chocolate Optifast shake.

I spent lots of time waiting around half naked that day.

Aren’t these doctors robes sexy? Oh yeah.

The next day, I had a much easier test. A Breath Test.  Basically, I breathed in this apparatus several different ways, under the instruction of the technician.

The last test, which the machine is set up for here, not only tested how I breathed, and the strength of it, but those plastic bags collected my breath for later testing.

I was in and out in fifteen minutes. After all the crap I went through the day before, I was very happy.

Later that week, I went back to the pulmonologist so he could go over my x-rays (they were clear) my breath test (it was good) and check on my wheeze, which he had given me several inhalers to use as a treatment.

The wheeze is gone! He cleared me for surgery too, along with the imaging people and the cardiologist!

Now, all I have to do is the last round of my psychiatric evaluation, which should be fun. That will be later today. I’m also going to see the surgeon today, to go over all these test results, and to get my surgery date! Yay! Soon, I will know WHEN this will happen. I’m so excited!

Plateu, but still positive!

So, I had my second follow up at the nutritionist this week, marking four weeks on the Optifast.  I did…ok. I didn’t gain, I didn’t lose.

I think the problem was my little night of cheating at Callie’s birthday, and the fact that I didn’t realize that peas were a no-no -too starchy. I also hadn’t known that sweet potatoes were off limits as well. So, now I know, and I’ll do better this week. The nutritionist also said that it could be bloating, as I’m getting my stupid period soon.

Stupid period.

Next Wednesday I have my follow up appointment with the Surgeon. We’ll be going over all my test results and hopefully setting an official surgery date.

Once I have my surgery date, things really start rolling  – I’m currently doing what they call Optifast light. Two weeks before surgery, I have to go on Optifast full liquid. Four shakes and one bar a day. Approx. 800 calories.

This will help me by shrinking my liver before surgery, as well as helping me lose those last few pre-surgery pounds.

As of now, 12 lbs have been lost. I need to lose 26, so that means there are 14 more to go. I’m sure if I stick to my diet, and get some more exercise in, I can lose that before surgery – I’m hoping to lose about five this week, before I see the doctor on Wednesday. Stick to the diet, do some more walking, get my butt up and moving more, and I’ll be ready to go.  Go me!

And another wonderful bit of goodness – I had a decent job interview today! It will be a pain in the ass to get to (I’m in Queens, its in Nassau) so I’ll have to take the LIRR and a bus, but what can you do…I’m broke, and between giving me money to spend here and there, and paying for all the doctors visits, prescriptions, and Optifast, I’m becoming very expensive for my parents…especially since they also were nice enough to bail me out of debt. I’m sure they also didn’t expect me to be returning to any familial nest, theirs or others, you know, at all.

Anyway, a job would be a good thing. I won’t know if I got it or not for another two weeks, which is also good – gives me time to finish up pre-surgical testing and such.

Anywho, the next few posts are going to have pictures – I took photos and need to up load them for the full tale of ‘The Barium, the x-ray, and the sonograms’  and ‘What the fuck is a breath test?’

Great news! I have a heart!

Yup. I have a functioning heart. Today I had a stress test, to check my heart and such, and the cardiologist cleared me for surgery!

The stress test was much less painful than people told me it would be. First they took a sonogram of my heart in its resting state, and then they had me walk on a treadmill until my heart rate reached 170. Then I hopped back on the table and they took another sonogram.

The only weird thing they noticed was that while resting, I have an extra heart beat that ought not to be there. The doctor says that it also makes the next beat a little stronger – weird. And when at a higher heart rate, my pulse is normal.

So, they cleared me for surgery, but decided I ought to wear a heart monitor for 24 hours to check things out. I, like an idiot, said “Lets hook it up now and get it done since I’m here!”

Then I realize I couldn’t take a shower. After jogging. Ick. I smell. I want my shower. I am SO taking a nice bath tomorrow morning when I take this thing off. With my copy of “Lord Brocktree” Yes. And bubbles.

Anyway, its not a bad thing to check this out. I’m getting the most thorough check up of my life these past few weeks!

Today I also went to the nutritionist, to get weighed in, pick up more optifast, and talk about my diet.

I have lost a total of 12lbs in 2 weeks!

122lbs to go! Hehe.

The nutritionist is very happy with my progress! And I’m proud of my self for doing so well. She told me to keep on doing what I’ve been doing.

I’m just about half was to my pre-surgical goal of losing 26lbs. The weight loss will slow down in the next couple of weeks, but I’m not in a rush. It looks like the tentative date of December 2 is more realistic now that I have to take care of this wheeze thing.

The best thing, is that this is getting the rest of my family in shape too, even though I don’t live here 100% of the time. Josie is going to go see the nutritionist as well, and talk about her diet (she’s a vegetarian, but she does it badly, and doesn’t eat well) and think about optifast, and my dad might go on it as well. I gave him some bars and strawberry shakes to try, and he’s finding them pretty good. Christine is already a good eater herself – she’s the only one of us who is at a good weight for her height and age. Mom does weight watchers, but she doesn’t stick to it as well as she could.

She has this habit of making waaaaay to much food for dinner. We don’t really need meat, veggies and a vat of pasta. Or ice cream and cookies and such all over the place.

I’ve also become one with the veggies. I like to have two veggies with a meal, and I’m allowed to eat quite a bit of them, which is *awesome* considering I don’t get to eat much. Today, I even cooked up spinach. It didn’t turn out quite the way I’d like, but I did try!

Even though I’m eating less, and only lost 12 pound so far, I feel so so so much better. I’m eating a diet more balanced than any time in my life. I’m getting all my vitamins and shit, and I feel great.

Now if only I can get my sleep schedule back to normal.

The Pulmonologist, and the first problem

Yeah, so we’ve hit a snag. I was trying to have all my doctors appointments for pre-surgical testing done before November 6th, when I’m supposed to see the nurse who runs the surgical program. If I could have everything done by then, we could have moved up my follow up with the surgeon, and bumped the surgery up to the end of November, rather than the first week of December.

However, after seeing the pulmonologist, we have hit a snag.

The good news is, he read my results from the sleep study, and while I do have mild sleep apnea, its so mild as to not need treatment. (Apparently, there is a numerical scale of apnea. 1-5 is none, 5-whatever is apnea and depending on how bad it is, the number gets higher. I scored something like 5.6.)  What little apnea I do have should clear up as I lose more weight. This is good, very good. It means that for the most part, I breath while I sleep!

The bad news is, the doctor says I have a wheeze, and he wants to treat that before he clears me for surgery. Apparently, 8 years of smoking is bad for you! Though he says it might not be from the smoking – I did have asthmatic bronchitis at least once as a kid, and I was notorious for wheezing when sick.

He has me on two different inhalers to try and fix things. They are: Advair Diskus 250/50 (fluticasone propionate 250mcg and salmeterol 50 mcg inhalation powder), which I take before bed and when I wake up. The doctor also said to make sure I rinse my mouth out after I take it, or I can get oral thrush! Isn’t that fun? Since I’m allowed fruit or yogurt every day, I’m going to opt for the yogurt, just in case. For added fun, this inhalor makes my mouth dry and gives me a headache.

The second one is: Maxair Autohaler (pibuterol acetate inhalation aerosol), which I take whenever I detect a wheeze. This one makes me feel nervous and dizzy, and oddly hyper.

I can’t blame anyone but myself of course. I was the one who chose to smoke. I’m quitting, but its hard…I *like* smoking. I just don’t like the not breathing well part. So yeah, I’ve been good with the quitting. Hopefully the fact that I’m no longer smoking will help me get this wheezing under the control by my two week follow up appointment.

Other than that, things are going well in the pre-surgery area of my life. I’m doing well with the diet, and tomorrow I have an appointment with the nutritionist for a weigh in, to check with her how the optifast is going, and to talk about what I need to keep doing.

I’m also going to get a stress test at the cardiologist’s office. This time I’m going to check if he’s married – that is one hot piece of cardiological ass. He’s also funny! And, totally did *not* freak out when I copped to smoking pot. He even joked with me about how uptight my surgeon is (he knows him).

Anyway, I should try to actually get some sleep before this thing. My sleep pattern has gotten whacked out while staying at my parents this week. I’ve been staying up late watching crazy movies I downloaded, and working on my sewing. (Yes, I am an old lady. No cats however, since they fuck with the sewing). I’ve also been pretty…I won’t say depressed, because it not depression, but sort of sad. I’ve been stupid about  boy, and I hate that. My date earlier this week sort of made me realize that. I had an ok time, but wasn’t all that interested. It just made me realize that the whole time I’ve been single, since Franklin broke up with me, I hadn’t really met anyone who caught my eye when it comes to the idea of warm fuzzies and a relationship that was more than hot sex and friendship. Bah. I’ll just stick to writing about my weight loss here.

Sleep Study

I’ve started with all of the pre-surgery appointments, and the first was the sleep study.  I’m going to start bringing my camera around with me to photo document what I’m doing as well. these were taken on my camera phone.

I got to my appointment at 9:15, and met Shawn, the technician who would be monitoring me for the evening.

This was my lovely bed for the evening, and those are all the wires that were wrapped around me, as well as the stack of forms I had to fill out. Shawn explained what all the wires were for and where they would go, and then left me to get changed and fill out forms while he saw to the other patient he was monitoring for the night.

Comfy looking, ain’t it? Yeah, I made sure I brought my own pillow.

I watched some TV until Shawn came back to hook me up, around 10:45. It took a while to hook up all the wires and stuff, and god I looked ridiculous!

There were electrodes attached to my cheeks and chin, and tubes in my nose to monitor my breathing. they were all hooked up to two different contraptions, one strapped to my chest, and another on the night table. Lovely.

The worst though, were the electrodes attached to my scalp. They used a paste to hold them down, and those were kind of uncomfortable. Plus, once they took the electrodes off in the morning, the paste stayed in until I showered.

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See, you can see the paste and electrodes. Lovely.

Anyway, it went pretty smoothly. I read for a while, and then it was time for lights out. I manged to fall asleep in about a half our or so. It wasn’t very restful sleep, since I wasn’t allowed to sleep on my stomach, which is how I normally sleep. I woke up a few times, but from what the technician said it was from coughing, and not apnea.

After I woke up, we headed over to a lab for some blood work to be done.

They took about five different vials of blood, had me pee in a cup, and do a weird test where I took a deep breath and blew air into a bag. Then I had to drink a some sort of substance, wait fifteen minutes, and blow in a different bag. I think that tests the bacteria in my stomach.

Next, I head off to the cardiologist! Woo!

Opti-Fast

So, I started the Opti-fast on Monday. I was given these juice box sized pre-mixed shakes (which are awesome, because I can take them with me and don’t have to mix up shit). So far, I’ve had the chocolate and the French vanilla. I’ve also got strawberry, but I haven’t tried it yet. The chocolate is decent, it tastes like pretty much any other chocolate diet shake I’ve had, and I’ve tried ‘em all. The French vanilla is meh, but do able. We’ll see how the strawberry is soon.

I’ve got to drink two of them a day, for two meals. While they aren’t the best tasting things ever, they are quite filling.

Then, they’ve given me a bunch of different types of bars, for a snack. I get to have one of these a day. I had the caramel delight so far, and its pretty tasty and crunchy. Not amazing, but ok.

I also get to eat food – a dinner (or whatever meal, I did breakfast the first day) where I can eat 4-6oz of protein and 2-3 servings of raw or cooked vegetables.

I’m also allowed to have one yogurt or one piece of fruit.

As a bonus (oh, what a bonus!) I can eat all the sugar free jello and clear broth I want! I’ll be making up a batch of jello at my place when I get back from this week’s appointments.

I did ok the first day – I did cheat at C.V. I couldn’t help it – I was SO HUNGRY! I had some sun chips (yum) and a small cup of grapes. Breakfast (which was actual food!) was 2 eggs, 2 servings of baby carrots, and a plum.

From what I can tell, this is a 1000 calorie a day diet. The three optifast products (2 shakes and a bar) are each 160 calories – 480 total. I know yogurt or a piece of fruit are about 100 calories each, so that brings it to maybe 600. I’m sure the meal makes up another 400 or so calories; meat and veggies.

But goddamn was I hungry yesterday, even with all the water I was drinking too.

They say the hunger subsides after a week, which is good.

So, the second stage of pre-surgery has started. (The first, which I’ll write about tomorrow, is all the doctors and pre-testing). I officially have to do this for three week before the surgery, I’ll be doing it for about five. I think that’s enough time to lose 20-30 pre-surgery pounds.

Starting now is also good, because I’ll be used to it when it comes time to do it after surgery. They say it takes four weeks to form a habit, so I’ve got time. (Surgery is tentatively for December 12th, possibly earlier since I’ve gotten all these doctors appointments booked – the psych-eval should be booked for next week, and then after the stress test, I’ll just have to make one follow up. These should be done about two weeks before my follow up. Once done, I can move the follow up and surgery.)

Directly after surgery, I’ll be on jello, water, and clear broth again, and then back on this optifast while my stomach gets used to its new conflagration, and I start slowly adding in softer ‘real’ food. From the people I’ve talked to who’ve had this surgery, it seems that lots of them continue to use optifast shakes here and there along with real food, so yeah, good to get used to it. Shit, if I crush it up with ice and a banana, it might taste like a smoothie!

It will also get me accustomed to having less to eat at a time, and to allow me to stop craving stuff – last night at the bus stop, the deli was cooking up fried onion rings…oh man, it was good that I had no cash. Because I wanted them. Hopefully, in five weeks, I’ll have the cravings under control.

I’m doing ok for my first two days.

Monday I had 2 eggs, 2 servings of carrots and a plum for breakfast, a shake for lunch, a shake for dinner, the Caramel Crunch. I was a little bad at CV – I had some Sunchips and grapes…but I was SO hungry.

Today was better – A shake for breakfast, six oz of pork for lunch, with 2 servings of beans and carrots, and the optifast bar. Dinner was a shake and an apple. However, I did put some cheese on the apple – one of those “Laughing Cow” wedges, and a slice and a half of American cheese. I also had some clear chicken broth.

Neither lapse is HORRIBLE. It is my first couple of days…and I am still eating aprox. 1000 calories. And I have time to adjust.

I went to my first support group meeting this evening. I’ll write that up tomorrow. It was very nice! I’ll also be writing about the appointments I’ve got set up soon, and I’ll write about each appointment as it happens.

The Doctor

So, I had my consult with the surgeon. Everyone is right – he’s brilliant, but he’s got a shitty bedside manor.

Now, in the interest of being honest with my doctors, I tend to reveal all information that may be pertinent. Namely, that I occasionally smoke pot, and that I engage in BDSM.

Apparently, with this doctor, those were shooting up all sorts of red flag. First, he asked about why I like the BDSM, once I explained (in broad terms) what it was.  When it came up that I wasn’t sexually active until relatively late in my life, he kept asking if I was making up for lost time.

As if. While I would have liked to lose my virginity earlier than I did, I made a well thought out decision to wait. I figured I wanted to know what I was doing first. You know, being all responsible and smart and stuff.

Then, he questioned my motivations for weight loss surgery. He seemed to think that I might be interested in it in order to continue with BDSM ‘better’.

For fucks sake. First of all, I think I’m pretty hot, ok? And plenty of other people do as well. Shit, its documented! I have no problem getting dates, getting laid, or having nice boys buy me drinks when I’m out and dressed up. I carry my weight pretty well. Most of the people I told were surprised to realize I was well over 200lbs. Well over. I have curves, an awesome ass, and a decent set of tits. I have a pretty face and nice hair.

And most importantly, I think I’m a pretty cool person. I’m throwing modesty to the wind and saying goddamn it, I’m pretty awesome. I have a ton of cool friends, I’ve done lots of interesting stuff with my life (uh, funeral director anyone?), I’ve done stuff that some people only dream of doing. I think I’m pretty funny. I have decent tastes in music, movies, and comedy.

People like me for ME. ME! Who I am, not what I look like. Yes, of course there are people who like how I look as well, for a variety of reason.  One person told me I exuded sexuality, and he thought that was cool.  Other people like me BECAUSE of how I look. I’m sure there are people who will be very sad if my ass goes away! Some people dig me because I’m fat. Some dig me because I’m cool. Whatever. There are a hundred thousand little things about a person that make up why you like them.

In fact, the BDSM/Sexpos scenes are one of the few places that I’ve come across where I’ve found that who I am is more important that what I look like. It doesn’t matter if I’m not the larger society’s physical ideal.  I’ve found that in kink, its about who you are. Are you nice? Respectful? Knowledgeable? Interested in learning? Are you a good person? These things are more important than my waist measurement.

Hell, my size has come in handy! When raffle tickets can be bought by the circumference, like at Leather Pride Night, I win shit!

I was really upset when the doctor implied that I might want this surgery to fit into some ideal because of kink. It was as if he was saying ‘Of course you want it to look better. Of course you want it to improve your kinky lifestyle. Why would anyone like you the way you are now? You are fat and gross and have no merit aside from your looks, you silly female.’

Granted, that might not be what he was thinking or implying, but that’s sure what it felt like. He also kept going on about changing my ‘lifestyle’ as if all I do is drink, smoke, smoke up and have kinky sex.

I drink, at best, what, 2 drinks at Pleasure Salon? All month. Sometimes, I’ll have a drink with friends. So… four drinks a month, and the rare half glass of wine at home with dinner? I smoke pot *maybe* once a month, and that is being generous. More likely, every two or three months. Yes, I smoke tobacco more than I should and it is a post surgical risk. I’m working on quitting before hand. Really. Finished my last pack a week ago. I’ve been bumming maybe two a day, but I’m trying to cut down on that. Kink shouldn’t even be an issue. I just wanted to know about the port which will be left to adjust the band – will fire be out? A flogging? Should I not wrestle? Or learn a martial art? Other than that, I ought not have to explain my self to a doctor. My GP might think I’m a slutty weirdo, but at least she keeps it to herself and doesn’t bat an eye when I ask her something offbeat.

If he weren’t a)One of the best goddamn laproscopic bariatric surgeons in the country in one of the best programs in the country, b)local and c)part of my insurance program I’d totally have found someone else. But he’s too good. I’m not going to take my health out of the hands of the best because of an implied slight.

I think that might be why I’ve been feeling so off the past couple days. I think it made me feel icky, and that’s why my libido went bye-bye when I was at Nathan’s. I had been so excited to see him, hang out, and play, I saw the doctor the day before, and then boom, no more libido. A general feeling of ickiness in my own body.

So let me clear the record. I’m NOT doing this because I want to fit in better. I’m not doing it so I can look like a fetish model, or anyone else.

I’m doing this because I’m very unhealthy, and nothing I’ve done has worked. Because I want to stop falling and hurting my ankles. To make it up a flight of stairs with out being out of breath.  To not have random chest pains, and so my knees won’t hurt.  So I don’t get Type 2 Diabetes. So I can do all sorts of stuff.

And this isn’t to say everyone should lose weight. I’m all about fat pride! I know tons of fat, sexy, women who are full of awesome and you know what? Fucking power to them. I am one! Yeah, we all have our weird body issues, fat and skinny alike. We all do. But size doesn’t preclude you to being teh sexy. If someone is happy with themselves, no matter who they are, I think that is the most amazing thing in the world.

But really, it comes down to health. I’m fat, sexy and awesome, but I’m not healthy, not at all.  If I were, I wouldn’t even be considering this. My health comes first, before anything. It has too, or I have nothing. I don’t want to get sick, or die earlier than I should. I need to fix this now, while I can, while it isn’t quite as bad, so I can keep on keepin’ on.

And lets throw some super honesty in. I’m excited about being able to wear high heels again. (I haven’t been able to wear them for the past 60lbs or so. I’m too off balance with weak ankles. They don’t hold me up.) It will be nice to be able to borrow clothes from my mother again. It’ll be great that my boobs might go down a bit (I know they’re only large B’s, but I liked them when they were A’s!). I’d really like to not knock stuff over with my butt. I think these are fair and valid feelings. But they still don’t take away from the fact that I am unhealthy and need help.

So there, doctor Jerk face!